I have been living in Lisbon for seven years now, and it truly feels like a second home. Just like there are things I would only hear back in Egypt, my first home, I have come to realize there are also some unique things you would only hear and experience in Portugal. Not only because of Portugal itself, but also because of the interesting mix of people it attracts.
Here are some of my favourites:
No. 3 – ‘I heard all they do in Spain is speak Spanish!’
This one was totally overheard as I don’t know who said what to whom or why on earth! We were at a restaurant when the tourists from the table next to us started sharing their excitement for their next destination, Spain. “I heard all they do in Spain is speak Spanish!”
And that sentence – that exact sentence – was my cue to never set foot in that restaurant again.
It is over!
The restaurant had been discovered by a particular type of tourist: Loads of money, absolutely no clue what they are doing! I knew it was too late for Spain. But I really thought we still had a chance to save Portugal.
Clearly, I was wrong.
And the sentence is semantically confusing: Did she mean that Spaniards have nothing better to do with their long days than speak Spanish? They don’t have jobs, they don’t take their kids to school, they just sit around in circles speaking to each other in Spanish? Or is it that Spain, shockingly, has Spanish speakers? Or maybe the main piece of information is that she “heard” such a dumb sentence and just happened to repeat it?
No. 2 – ‘Amun looks like a snail. Oh! Sorry, I am really sorry … I didn’t mean to offend your religion!’
An artist was giving a public talk in Lisbon, explaining the reason why she was inspired by the symbol of the ancient Egyptian god Amun in her works. Mid-sentence, she remembered I am Egyptian, stopped and apologized to me – worried that she offended my religion!
She was dead serious.
Later, she apologized to me again privately. Honestly, I didn’t know where to start. I already knew that there is a general obsession with Ancient Egypt in Portugal. On the one hand, I didn’t want to shatter her romantic illusion by telling her that Ancient Egypt no longer exists and that no one has worshiped those gods in thousands of years. On the other hand, I can’t leave an adult woman in the 21st century thinking she needed to be politically correct about Ancient Egyptian gods!
In the end, I broke it to her gently. She, actually, took it better than I expected.
No. 1 – ‘If you don’t know the thief, how do you expect us to find him?’
Portuguese police are something else. They can be more available than in many other places, but there is something oddly self-deprecating about them. When they aren’t in control of a situation, they don’t even pretend to be. They are almost always disappointed with what you have to report. They are like this one disappointed uncle you can never impress. And whatever you tell him, he will assure you that not much will change.
It all started when I made the mistake of walking down a dodgy suburban neighbourhood. Someone tried to snatch my phone from me – something that is incredibly rare in Lisbon. Actually, it was the first time anything like that happened to me and only because I wandered into an area where I wasn’t supposed to go. Anyway, as someone tried to grab the phone, I pulled it back and ended up getting badly scratched on the hand. The phone fell and shattered.
I went to the police to report the incident.
A policewoman met me at the door. She tried to send me away saying that if I don’t know the offender there is no point in reporting him. I thought that I must have misunderstood her. I am not bad at Portuguese, but some accents I don’t get easily. Eventually, she gives in and lets me in.
A policeman takes over my case and asks me: “So, do you know the offender?”
“No”
“If you don’t know the thief, how do you expect us to find him?”
I look at him in shock. I did understand the policewoman correctly! “Sorry, I came to this country to do my PhD, so most of my acquaintances here are other PhDs.”
He impatiently grabs some papers and says: “Ok, but before we start, you do know that this isn’t an American film. I will not be showing you pictures of criminals for you to identify.” I asked innocently: “Why not?”
The policeman totally lost his patience: “Because this is not an American film. Stop watching American films!”
I have to say what happened next was something I haven’t seen in any films. He let me walk back the same route and told me to call him – not sure with what phone – if something happens again.
Even though I was really mad at the moment, I can’t stop smiling to myself everytime I play this over in my head. I promised myself I will try to get to know the offender better if – God forbid – this ever happens again.
I am sure the summer will bring new favourites, so stay tuned!
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Read more about Lisbon here in Dispatches’ archives.
Sarah Nagaty has a PhD in cultural studies, She’s lived in Portugal for six years.
As a student of cultural studies, Sarah is drawn to what connects people from different backgrounds to new cultures and places, how they relate to their new surroundings and what kind of activities they could engage with in their new hometowns.
