(Editor’s note: Cheryl Boyd also contributed to this post about hosting as an expat.)
Nothing makes you more popular than moving to a country in Europe everyone wants to visit. Knowing that as long-time expats, we deliberately chose a larger house with multiple bedrooms when we moved to the Netherlands in 2016.
Since then, there have been years when the Boyd Hotel has been booked nearly continuously, particularly at Thanksgiving, which is our big holiday. We host our daughter Lale’s friends from her university days, our Dutch neighbors and anyone else who wanders in. This year’s Thanksgiving will be another international feast. Then there are friends and relatives who drop in during their vacations.
Most of our guests are awesome and truly generous. One leaves money around the house for us to find after she leaves AND tries to pick up more than her share of the expenses. Other friends take real pleasure in treating you to dinner, drinks or whatever.
But there are also guests who are just amazingly inconsiderate or just oblivious.
The good ones? You look forward to their visits. Fortunately, I have some advice for dealing with the, um, challenging ones.
Here are the myriad categories of clueless Mr. Magoos.
The expensive guests who use the old “darn it, they won’t take my credit card!” ploy
This has been especially popular with several of our guests. Each time they get ready to visit, we gently remind them before they leave the United States that they can’t use their credit cards at the grocery or at many gas stations here in the Netherlands, and to please bring a debit card they can use to get cash out of the ATM. They never quite remember. On the first trip, it’s always, “Oh, I’m sure they’ll take my credit card. I use it at Kroger every day.” On the following trips, it becomes, “Oh, shoot … I brought the wrong cards. Again! Silly me.”
Guess who picks up the tab for food and gas for the parents and sometimes the kids?
There’s really not much you can do here other than to just blatantly ask for a contribution. No amount of subtle hinting will help. We’re basically the poorest people we know, and even though we wish we could, we can’t pay for everyone’s vacation. Nor should we be expected to.
The “you don’t expect me to pay?” relative
I have a cousin who lived in Africa and who used our home in Germany as a half-way point on her way back to her house in Steamboat Springs. We would chauffeur her around and take her to dinner and various attractions. She never ever offered to pay. Fortunately, her husband is a genuinely generous guy who’d pick up tabs when she wasn’t looking.
Now, her sister was the opposite, chipping in, helping make dinner and basically just spreading the love. You don’t get one without the other, I guess.
The “mi casa es mi casa” visitor
These are the guests who invite themselves to your house but who would never deign host you in a million years, because – let’s just face it – you’re not of their social class. You should feel honored they have chosen your humble shack to bunk down. Now, the good news is, they’re not going to be staying long because they have to move on to see their wealthy friends in Gstaad. These are often the same guests as the “you don’t expect me to pay?” relatives.
The retiree
We always make it clear that with Dispatches and associated businesses, we work every day, and a lot of hours. Yes, they are welcome to use our house for a base, but we don’t have time a lot of time to entertain them. Goes phhhht right over their heads. They sit around watching us work, acting bored … and genuinely surprised you haven’t laid out an elaborate schedule of events for them.
The tourist
Most of our friends and relatives live overseas, have lived overseas or travel extensively. They know it’s best to blend in whenever possible. BUT, there are those who insist on wearing the full tourist kit, including huge SLR cameras, money belts and those cross-body travel pouches that scream “I’m a tourist!”
They also lack any situational awareness and are sitting ducks for pick pockets, phone thieves and purse snatchers.
You can gently suggest they tone it down a bit, but this is a battle you’ll never win. Just try to keep an eye on them.
The friends with troubled kids
Okay, this is a very delicate topic.
We love kids. Hell, we have two of our own. But should you expect friends’ kids to conform to your standards? Absolutely not. We had recent visitors who tested the boundaries of civilized behavior and here is all you can do: Intervene when necessary.
When I say “necessary,” what I mean is, “when you can’t take any more abusive behavior aimed at a parent.” Or at us. Call us old fashioned, but sometimes, “Okay, sweetie, think about your actions” doesn’t cut it. It’s your house, your rules.
The friends from 30 years ago with whom you now have absolutely nothing in common
These are the people from your past you’re excited about seeing. But when they show up, you can’t for the life of you remember why you were ever friends. Conversations flag and they sit around looking at their phones. Too much time has passed since you last saw them.
There’s not much you can do other than suggest they might find Amsterdam more to their liking.
Recently, we’ve had such frustrating experiences that we’ve issued fiats, banning several people. Life is just way to too short.
But the real lesson from all this is, do you ever ask yourself what kind of guest you are?
And then there are the good ones
There’s the sherpa guest who schlepps an extra suitcase, stuffed with three bottles of your favorite bourbons, American OTC meds, your favorite snacks and things you can’t get in the Netherlands … such as diced green chilies and American chili powder. And who keeps you in stitches every minute. (Thank you, Karen.)
And the friend-turned-family member who just wants to be around you and participate in your everyday goings-on: walking the dog, working silently across the dining room table, buying groceries, cooking meals and cleaning up afterward … and watching “The Crown.”
Then there’s the couple on their first trip to Europe, who are so delighted with everything and who also are happy to talk into the wee hours. They never tire of going wherever we suggest, grabbing a cocktail and experiencing terrace life in the Netherlands.
There are the international students from Lale’s school. In the years since we started our big Thanksgiving dinner, we’ve hosted kids from France, Italy/Sardinia (lots from Italy), Germany and Croatia. All were incredibly fun and engaging. Then there was the surprise 6’7″ American pro basketball player, the son of a friend, who dropped in from Portugal last Christmas, and who repaid our hospitality with a whole box of Portuguese goodies and wines!
These are the delightful guests, the ones we invite time and time again and who make it all worth it.
Co-CEO of Dispatches Europe. A former military reporter, I'm a serial expat who has lived in France, Turkey, Germany and the Netherlands.
