(Editor’s note: This is the first in a series of post about one family’s decision to leave the United States for France. Irina Truong is the twin sister of Maryna Cherniavska, who is also a contributor to Dispatches Europe.. You can Maryna’s work here.)
I get this question a lot from my friends and family because obviously, why would anyone leave the beautiful sunny California, where they had a great life? I was going to write about it for a long time but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My reasoning might sound upsetting to some people and there were just too many factors in play. The decision to move was shaped over the years. For those of you who want a short story, I‘d just say I wanted to be closer to my family (although there were other factors that contributed).
But for the full story, read on.
I moved to California from Ukraine in 2010 as a software engineer on an H1B visa. I loved the sun, the ocean, the always-moderate weather. I loved never having to wear anything warmer than a sweatshirt, even though in the first few years I really missed snowy winters. But then, it only took about two hours to drive up the mountains for some snowplay in winter. And there were so many beautiful places to see in the United States! I traveled to national parks all over California and Utah, visited San Francisco, Boston, Hawaii and the Florida Keys.
There was a lot of adjustment. I was starting over in the new country where I knew nothing. My coworker Tim, who immigrated from Uzbekistan a few years before me and already learned how things are done, advised and helped me rent my first apartment, get my driver’s license and open a 401K.
The negative side of things
Life was great for the first couple of years, except for one thing – I missed my twin sister Maryna and my mom. At the time, Maryna lived in Ukraine and my mom lived in Russia. I could only afford to travel to see one of them once a year, at best. It was a long way to go, the jet lag was exhausting and it was a very expensive trip.
I also started seeing things that just didn’t sit well with me, like the periodically repeating school shootings, after which politicians would offer “thoughts and prayers.” It seemed insane to me that those were people in power but they didn’t even attempt to offer anything more satisfactory. The omnipresence of religion – not every religion, selectively Christian religion (real churches, online churches, megachurches). The rhetoric of being the best country in the world, while at the same time some people were unable to afford their medical treatments and chronically ill people couldn’t even get insurance coverage. Historically inaccurate movies about the World WarI II, where America unilaterally saved the world. Gun ownership enshrined in the Constitution, as opposed to women and minorities’ rights, thanks to the National Rifle Association. The car-dependent lifestyle, thanks to the automobile lobby.
The US, however, elected a progressive president in 2008 and 2012 (Obama), so things were going to get better. Or so I thought.
I was young, healthy, employed, married, I had friends and I was mostly optimistic.
In 2013, I had my daughter, Sanya. I stopped traveling for a few years but my mom and sister were able to visit me in the US. Visas for them were difficult to obtain and all the other travel difficulties applied – long, tiring and costly journey. These visits didn’t happen every year.
Maternity leave in the US
The 2013 was the first time that not only I deeply disliked something unique to the US but it affected me personally.
It was the maternity leave.
In the US, maternity leave is not mandated, even though the employers may provide it. And even when they provide it, it’s unpaid. There is a federal-level policy called FMLA — Family and Medical Leave Act – which guarantees 12 weeks of unpaid leave to parents and caregivers but only applies to larger employers. In addition to that, the state of California has its own policy, PFL — Paid Family Leave, a part of State Disability Insurance, or SDI. It provides partial payments for up to 8 weeks.
I was working for a small startup that had its own parental leave policy, but it only applied after one year of employment. I was below that and I didn’t think to ask about it during job interviews. I was able to get three months of unpaid leave. PFL paid for 8 weeks out of those 12. After that, I had to go back to work; if I didn’t, I’d lose my job. It was very difficult because my baby would not take a bottle. She had a clear preference for “the real thing” and would wait for it all day, crying and starving herself, while I cried and pumped at work.
To this day, I consider these policies inhumane.
I was lucky because I happened to live in California. I feel terrible for moms who get even less time off to nurse their babies. My employer was one of the good ones. After my experience, they amended the policy and shortened the waiting period for the parental leave to six months. It was too late for me but I was happy for those who’d be next.
A source of tension
Before Sanya’s birth, whenever I’d bring up anything that, in my opinion, the US did wrong, Brian (my husband) would always become defensive: “This does not affect you personally so you shouldn’t complain about it”. But now, it did affect me and I was angry.
The country that talked a lot about family values didn’t have much to show in terms of real family support.
I’ve read many discussions on the topic online. I was further amazed and disappointed by seeing comments like “Why should I pay for your maternity leave?” The sentiment applied equally to other cases: “Why should I pay for your kids’ school lunches? Why should I pay for your kids’ daycare? I have no kids. You decided to have them, you carry the weight.” — etc.
To me, the answer was obvious: because we want to create a better society. A society where children, sick, old or disabled people are protected, supported and have nothing to worry about. Not even because old age and sickness happens to most people. Not even because my children will grow up and become workers and your own social security payments (or pension) will actually be financed by their taxes. Just because we want the world to be a better place for our generation, as well as the next. But these comments really underscored the individualistic mentality prevalent in the US: “I only care about whatever affects me personally.”
And it went against my principles.
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This is the debut piece by Irina.
Read how life in the US triggers movement to Europe here in Dispatches’ archives.
Irina is a software engineer who started her career in Ukraine, spent 15 years in sunny California, and recently moved with her family to Bordeaux. Her family includes her husband, also an engineer, two kids and two very fluffy cats. All of them are still learning the language and adjusting to their new life in France.
